Written by Gavin Gaddis. Edited by Jordan Taber.
INTRO MUSIC
ANNOUNCER
Standard Docking Procedure, episode three: Space Date
INT: Station Control
REAGAN
Tiff I have… a problem.
As TIFF responds a pilot can be heard faintly through Tiff’s headset.
ISA PILOT
ISA Kelley checking in for priority loading of railgun ammunition.
TIFF
Does it involve money, drugs, or relationship complications?
REAGAN
The last one.
TIFF flicks a few switches.
TIFF
ISA Kelley, we’ve just had an emergency pop up. I’ll get you sorted ASAP.
ISA PILOT
Say again, station contro-
The pilot’s response is muffled as TIFF flicks a switch.
TIFF
You have my undivided attention.
REAGAN
Did you just put a government cruiser on hold?
TIFF
[dismissive] Ah, they’re fine. Waiting a few minutes for more bullets won’t kill them.
REAGAN
Traditionally a lack of bullets actually can kill someone in their line of work.
TIFF
This has to be more interesting that whatever they’ve got.
REAGAN
Well, gah, something’s wrong but I don’t know what.
TIFF
Oh you absolute tease.
REAGAN
As you know I like blowing up a few Flagarians in the gaming section of the VR suite.
TIFF
Those sons of bitches tried to take everything from us…
REAGAN
Well, Humphrey clued me into the other hubs I haven’t really bothered checking out. I think the main area’s called the Lounge?
TIFF
It’s the Parlor but yes, go on.
REAGAN
Well, I started exploring…
TIFF
And you found the dating area.
REAGAN
And then I found the dating area.
TIFF
Alright you can be real with me, Reagan. What are we talking? Risque photos? X-rated chat logs? Do I need to go explain intranet comment etiquette to someone?
REAGAN
Oh no nothing like that. Quite the opposite, I struck it off with someone nice enough, we have a coffee date later today, but something feels… off.
TIFF
I never though I’d get to experience being a proud parent but I claim full responsibility for this. [sounding choked up with pride] My daughter’s all grown up…
REAGAN
I’m three years older than you.
TIFF
My adopted daughter’s all grown up…
REAGAN
Things were going so well and then I found out they also love blowing up aliens so we started playing and, well, here’s the recording.
REAGAN hits a few buttons, holographic playback begins.
INT: Aircraft hangar.
Bombastic militaristic music begins playing.
DRILL SGT.
Recruits! We just got Intel from high command. I’m not going to sugar coat it… there’s a drop ship full of Flagarian scum en route to our location. We have to hold this airfield or we’ve lost this whole damn continent.
A KLAXON begins sounding. The DRILL SGT laughs as a massive door begins opening behind them.
DRILL SGT. (CONT’D)
It’s time to show these five-legged bastards who’s boss.
The sounds of an intense battlefield fade in.
DRILL SGT. (CONT’D)
You all know your assignments, you know what to do. Lock and load! Hoo-rah!
INT: Station Control.
TIFF
Love this mission.
REAGAN
Right? Lemme skip ahead a bit.
EXT: Airfield.
FLAGARIAN
You might kill me, but know this Hoo-man: The Great One will not rest until your kind is wiped from this rock like dust in the wind.
REAGAN
I got a great one for ya right here, scumbag
SFX: Shotgun blast.
INT: Station Control
TIFF
Jeez, you get into it.
REAGAN
I play to win.
EXT: Airfield. Explosions and muted gunfire pepper the background.
LOVERBOI
Nice shot!
REAGAN
You’re not so bad yourself, you wear purple blood well.
LOVERBOI
Maybe we could ask them to pause the invasion while I take a shower.
INT: Station Control
TIFF
So where do things get weird?
REAGAN
Right here. Notice they’re just using the stock assault rifle with no upgrades? That rifle runs out of ammo within a minute or two.
TIFF
Okay, why don’t they just buy the extended mag? They have to have earned enough to afford it by this point.
REAGAN
That’s what I said, and then they’re like:
EXT: Airfield.
LOVERBOI
I prefer to keep things stock, like the developer intended. Also, it gives me time to really get to know the textures on the map, going back and forth through the same area. [delivered as if this is like, genuinely cool]
REAGAN
Oooooookay…
REAGAN cocks her shotgun, fires it.
INT: Station Control.
REAGAN (CONT’D)
So then five minutes later they come back but the conversation just feels… off.
EXT: Airfield
LOVERBO1
Hey there beautiful, not often one finds someone looking so good on the battlefield.
REAGAN
You sure know how to join a fight. I see you got that ammo situation sorted out.
JAYDEN pats his gun.
LOVERBO1
40 rounds of standard-issue 5.66 millimeter. No more, no less. Stock’s the way to go, I always say.
REAGAN
Yeah…
INT: Station Control
TIFF
Um, Reagan, that’s a different person.
REAGAN
WHAT?
TIFF
Here, look. Let me just screenshot this… then go back five minutes…
REAGAN
Same character model, same gun, same armor-
TIFF
Yeah but look at the username.
SFX Rewind sound
TIFF (CONT’D)
Hayden has the username “Loverboi” with an I at the end.
SFX Rewind sound
TIFF (CONT’D)
Fake-Hayden has the username Loverboi but it’s the number one instead of an I.
REAGAN
Ooooooh. Wow what a bad font.
TIFF
Still, you were flirting in the middle of a firefight. I’m impressed.
REAGAN
Heh, thanks. BUT that doesn’t change the fact that I now have TWO dates with Loverboi and Loverbo-one at the cafe at the same time.
TIFF sighs heavily.
TIFF
I started this day as a proud parent and now here we are, how the mighty have fallen. You find yourself in a sticky situation, daughter of mine.
REAGAN
I KNOW.
TIFF
Alright, we can fix this. It’ll just take an incredibly risky plan that could pan out horribly if we screw up.
REAGAN
So, a Tiff plan.
TIFF
Yes but easier than usual. You wear an earpiece, I keep track of who’s who and feed you lines from a remote location.
REAGAN
What if we somehow mix them up and things get super awkward?
TIFF
Take a coffee cup, spike it onto the bulkhead so it shatters, point at the nearest viewport and shout “ASTEROID!”
REAGAN
That’s the stupidest idea I have ever heard.
TIFF
Exactly. You only get to do it once, but it’s so paper-thin nobody would dare question it.
REAGAN
Wait, is that why there was a panic in the E deck employee cafeteria last week?
TIFF
The person making my sandwich just put spinach in there as if that’s something a good human being would do.
REAGAN
You could’ve just… asked them to take it off?
TIFF
Do I also get to fly in this fantasy world of yours where we’re just giving people super powers?
TRANSITION
EXT: CAFE
SFX: TIFF speaks through an earpiece. Plates clatter and dozens of diners mumble in the background.
TIFF (CONT’D)
This is Papa Wolf, calling Double Agent, come in Double Agent Ganymede.
REAGAN
Are the code names really necessary?
TIFF
Oh, excuse me, are you running this op?
REAGAN
Op?
TIFF
It’s going to take military-like precision to pull this off. I thought the code name would help you keep things straight so you don’t accidentally become best friends with someone who vaguely looks and sounds like me.
REAGAN
Sick burn.
TIFF
Copy that.
REAGAN
It’s almost go time, my first loverboy should be here any second.
HAYDEN
You must be Reagan!
REAGAN
Surprised.
Oh!
HAYDEN
Ope, startled you a bit there, sorry about that. It’s me, Hayden! Or should I say… Loverboi.
REAGAN
That sure is a lot of eyebrow work you’re doing.
HAYDEN
Thanks, I practiced.
REAGAN
You look just like your avatar.
HAYDEN
I sure hope so, I spent four hours modelling it.
REAGAN
Doesn’t the game just scan your face?
HAYDEN
Well, yeah, but there’s nothing quite like sitting down with a glass of milk and really tucking into a few hours of adjusting sliders and moving vertices. It’s theraputic, in a way.
TIFF
I am already so bored.
REAGAN
How fascinating!
HAYDEN
Would you mind grabbing us a table? I need to visit the restroom.
REAGAN
Right, yeah, like a plan!
TIFF
Sarcasm is unbecoming of a lady.
REAGAN
I want a divorce.
JAYDEN
He-hey! Reagan! It’s me, Loverboi! Or, since we’re in the real world, should I say Jayden?
REAGAN
Heeeeeeey Jayden! Nice eyebrow work.
TIFF
What the…
REAGAN
Wow you look just like your avatar. Did you model that by hand?
JAYDEN
Why yes, actually I did!
REAGAN
There’s something so theraputic about spending an afternoon really getting in deep with those sliders, eh?
JAYDEN
Exactly! Wow, you’re the first person I’ve met on the station who really gets it.
TIFF
Oh no they’re identical and boring.
REAGAN
I know right?
JAYDEN
Yeah!
TIFF
How are they identical and boring? How are they the same thing? I rescind mocking you for screwing this up royally. There’s only one course of action to take here Reagan.
REAGAN
Shall we eat?
TIFF
With the intensity of a grizzled war veteran.
Summon the asteroid, Ganymede.
TRANSITION
JAYDEN
I gotta tell you, this ice water is to die for.
REAGAN
Weak laugh
Would you… excuse me for a second?
JAYDEN
Of course!
TIFF
Did you make any badly-phrased wishes lately?
REAGAN
Angry-sarcastic
Oh yeah I was polishing my antique lamp collection yesterday…
TIFF
Listen, I’m not judging, we’ve all made ill-advised judgment calls alone in their bunk on the late shift.
REAGAN
This is not sounding like help, Papa Wolf.
TIFF
Well, at least you’ve shaken Hayden.
REAGAN
No that was Jayden
TIFF
That’s what I said.
REAGAN
Ah crap it’s Hayden.
TIFF
You mean Jayden.
HAYDEN
Hey, there you are! Sorry about that, a delightful waiter offered me some iced water and who can refuse a nice crisp refreshment like that?
REAGAN
Oh, don’t worry about it, happens all the time. Hey look, there’s an empty table over there. Why don’t we head that way quickly?
HAYDEN
I do enjoy a brisk walk.
REAGAN
So tell me… how did you come up with the username Loverboy?
HAYDEN
Oh, funny story. It was my nickname at the academy. My roommates were always being stuffy and studying all night while I was out having fun and going on dates.
TIFF
Seriously?
HAYDEN
Unfortunately, someone else registered the name l-o-v-e-r-b-o-i so I went back to the drawing board, and after a few hours concocted a clever alternative.
REAGAN
You swapped out the i for the number one?
HAYDEN
Exactly!
REAGAN
Sucks loverboy with a y was taken already too huh?
HAYDEN
O-…. oh. Never thought to try that one.
TIFF
They are either clones or twins and I have to know. Double Agent Ganymede this is mission-critical information.
REAGAN
Got any… siblings on the station?
HAYDEN
Funny you should ask: I do not.
TIFF
Lying!
REAGAN
Off out in the stars somewhere I’m guessing? Some long-lost brother or cousin perhaps?
HAYDEN
How cool would that be? But no, I was an only child. My mom used to talk about a twin brother but we got separated during an emergency evacuation of my parent’s colony ship. I always thought he was a story she made up to teach me to follow safety procedures.
TIFF
OH, I KNEW IT.
REAGAN whispers to Tiff
REAGAN
Tiff this isn’t a movie.
HAYDEN
What?
REAGAN
Oh, uh, nothing. Excuse me for a moment.
HAYDEN
Sure thing! I love waiting.
TIFF
Don’t turn around Reagan but that pinnacle of arousal you just left behind is now voluntarily solving math riddles on his datapad.
REAGAN
Ugh
TRANSITION
JAYDEN
Reagan!
REAGAN
Jayden! I just thought of the best ice-breaker question for this date.
JAYDEN
Lay it on me, I love a good question.
REAGAN
Almost as much as waiting eh?
JAYDEN
You know it!
REAGAN
Got any siblings?
JAYDEN
Well, kind of. My step-mom always talked about my having a twin brother but we got separated during an emergency evac of our colony ship. I never found out if that was true or if it was just a story…
REAGAN
Made up to teach you not to break safety protocols as a kid?
JAYDEN
Exactly! Wow it’s like you read my mind.
REAGAN
Jayden, I have someone I’d like you to meet.
TRANSITION
JAYDEN AND HAYDEN ARE IN THE SAME SCENE BUCKLE UP
REAGAN (CONT’D)
Hayden, this is Jayden
JAYDEN
Hello there.
HAYDEN
Hello again Reagan!
JAYDEN
Wait, are you also on a date with this… handsome person?
REAGAN
N-… no. I set this all up as an elaborate ruse to re-unite two lost brothers!
HAYDEN
You found my brother?
JAYDEN
You found my brother?
REAGAN
Yeah… you two.
JAYDEN
Mom always said we were identical twins!
REAGAN
Aaaaaand?
HAYDEN
I guess you could see something of a similarity if you really squinted.
JAYDEN
When’s the last time you went to an optometrist, Reagan?
REAGAN
What? No! You two are basically the same person!
HAYDEN
Preposterous.
TIFF
I sincerely have no clue who’s talking anymore
REAGAN
Neither do I…
REAGAN (CONT’D)
I swear, you two have to be related.
HAYDEN
I see what’s going on here. You were starting to panic because the date was going poorly, so you called in a friend to bail you out.
JAYDEN
I gotta tell ya buddy, things were on ice over here. No offense Reagan but without the video game to serve as distraction I wasn’t feeling much chemistry here.
HAYDEN
I was thinking the same thing!
REAGAN
I. You. I.
TIFF
OH THE ZONE IS TOO HOT, YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF THERE NOW GANYMEDE.
REAGAN
HOLY HELL AN ASTEROID IS COMING RIGHT FOR US!
SFX: A glass shatters.
HAYDEN
What?
JAYDEN
Where?
Pause for a beat.
HAYDEN
Hmmm, I don’t know about you, new friend, but it seems there aren’t any windows on this particular section of wall.
JAYDEN
I can confirm she did not, in fact, point at a section of wall with a window one could see an asteroid through.
HAYDEN
Are you okay, Reagan? Wait. Where did she go?
JAYDEN
Well, that nightmare date is over at least.
HAYDEN
Shall we go grab a couple of tall frosty waters, share stories?
JAYDEN
Sounds riveting.
TRANSITION
EXT: AIRFIELD. Uplifting heroic music plays.
DRILL SGT
Good work recruits, top up your ammo and get some upgrades from the quartermaster, the next wave is in five minutes.
SFX: UI bleep as a new player joins.
DRILL SGT
Player Nuts4Butts has joined your squad.
REAGAN
Sounding out of it
Hey Tiff, isn’t it a little early in the morning for you?
TIFF
It’s seven o’clock and I want to rock, Reagan, obvs.
REAGAN
Fair enough.
TIFF
I also have news about the terrible two.
REAGAN
There it is.
TIFF
Hayden and Jayden both mentioned being on colony ships so…
REAGAN
So you abused your position in station control by running background checks on them.
TIFF
Okay, It’s not my fault every ship every person has set foot on is tied to their name.
REAGAN
Yeah but that’s for, like, tracking where a disease first started or notifying relatives if an accident has happened.
TIFF
And now it’s also a tool allowing shockingly smart and attractive amateur detectives named Tiff to track the childhood travels of two strangers. Turns out both Hayden and Jayden have never set foot on a colony ship.
REAGAN
What the hell?
TIFF
Turns out parents lying to their kids to scare ’em is the one true constant in the universe. Sorry Operation Reagan Date was FUBAR.
REAGAN
It’s alright.
PLAYER
Aye bozo either get some ammo outta the crate or get out of the way, some of us have a war to fight.
TIFF
Oh kiss my heavily-armored ass, what’s that, a shotgun? Four kills? Where did the other sixteen rounds you had go? Who misses sixteen times with a shotgun?
Pause
TIFF (CONT’D)
What’s what I thought.
REAGAN
And you say I go hard.
TIFF
You know what? Screw that guy and screw the not-twins, I’m not going to let this setback get you down. Let’s get you back into that dating game in a big way. It’s YOUR time to shine!
REAGAN
Nah I’m good.
TIFF
But, you’re a powerful woman who deserves to have fun and go out on dates!
REAGAN
Yeah. Already did.
TIFF
Oh. And?
REAGAN
Just got back, haven’t been to bed yet.
TIFF gasps like a proud parent. She sounds on the verge of tears.
TIFF
My adopted daughter’s growing up so fast.
SFX: Shotgun cock.
TIFF (CONT’D)
Let’s go kill those bug bastards.
CREDITS MUSIC: Kentucky Blues
Your players were:
Julia Schifini as Tiff
Stephanie Arata as Reagan
Chad Ellis as Hayden
Chad Ellis as Jayden
C.J. Oliver as Drill Sgt.
Gavin Gaddis as Everyone else
Standard Docking Procedure 