TRANSCRIPT: SPACE DATE

Written by Gavin Gaddis. Edited by Jordan Taber.

INTRO MUSIC

                                                                ANNOUNCER

                                Standard Docking Procedure, episode three: Space Date

INT: Station Control

                                                                REAGAN

                                Tiff I have… a problem.

As TIFF responds a pilot can be heard faintly through Tiff’s headset.

                                                                ISA PILOT

                                ISA Kelley checking in for priority loading of railgun ammunition.

                                                                TIFF

                                Does it involve money, drugs, or relationship complications?

                                                                REAGAN

                                The last one.

TIFF flicks a few switches.

                                                                TIFF

                                ISA Kelley, we’ve just had an emergency pop up. I’ll get you sorted ASAP.

                                                                ISA PILOT

                                Say again, station contro-

The pilot’s response is muffled as TIFF flicks a switch.

                                                                TIFF

                                You have my undivided attention.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Did you just put a government cruiser on hold?

                                                                TIFF

                                [dismissive] Ah, they’re fine. Waiting a few minutes for more bullets won’t kill them.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Traditionally a lack of bullets actually can kill someone in their line of work.

                                                                TIFF

                                This has to be more interesting that whatever they’ve got.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Well, gah, something’s wrong but I don’t know what.

                                                                TIFF

                                Oh you absolute tease.

                                                                REAGAN

                                As you know I like blowing up a few Flagarians in the gaming section of the VR suite.

                                                                TIFF

                                Those sons of bitches tried to take everything from us…

                                                                REAGAN

                                Well, Humphrey clued me into the other hubs I haven’t really bothered checking out. I think the main area’s called the Lounge?

                                                                TIFF

                                It’s the Parlor but yes, go on.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Well, I started exploring…

                                                                TIFF

                                And you found the dating area.

                                                                REAGAN

                                And then I found the dating area.

                                                                TIFF

                                Alright you can be real with me, Reagan. What are we talking? Risque photos? X-rated chat logs? Do I need to go explain intranet comment etiquette to someone?

                                                                REAGAN

                                Oh no nothing like that. Quite the opposite, I struck it off with someone nice enough, we have a coffee date later today, but something feels… off.

                                                                TIFF

                                I never though I’d get to experience being a proud parent but I claim full responsibility for this. [sounding choked up with pride] My daughter’s all grown up…

                                                                REAGAN

                                I’m three years older than you.

                                                                TIFF

                                My adopted daughter’s all grown up…

                                                                REAGAN

                                Things were going so well and then I found out they also love blowing up aliens so we started playing and, well, here’s the recording.

REAGAN hits a few buttons, holographic playback begins.

INT: Aircraft hangar.

Bombastic militaristic music begins playing.

                                                                DRILL SGT.

                                Recruits! We just got Intel from high command. I’m not going to sugar coat it… there’s a drop ship full of Flagarian scum en route to our location. We have to hold this airfield or we’ve lost this whole damn continent.

A KLAXON begins sounding. The DRILL SGT laughs as a massive door begins opening behind them.

                                                                DRILL SGT. (CONT’D)

                                It’s time to show these five-legged bastards who’s boss.

The sounds of an intense battlefield fade in.

                                                                DRILL SGT. (CONT’D)

                                You all know your assignments, you know what to do. Lock and load! Hoo-rah!

INT: Station Control.

                                                                TIFF

                                Love this mission.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Right? Lemme skip ahead a bit.

EXT: Airfield.

                                                                FLAGARIAN

                                You might kill me, but know this Hoo-man: The Great One will not rest until your kind is wiped from this rock like dust in the wind.

                                                                REAGAN

                                I got a great one for ya right here, scumbag

SFX: Shotgun blast.

INT: Station Control

                                                                TIFF

                                Jeez, you get into it.

                                                                REAGAN

                                I play to win.

EXT: Airfield. Explosions and muted gunfire pepper the background.

                                                                LOVERBOI

                                Nice shot!

                                                                REAGAN

                                You’re not so bad yourself, you wear purple blood well.

                                                                LOVERBOI

                                Maybe we could ask them to pause the invasion while I take a shower.

INT: Station Control

                                                                TIFF

                                So where do things get weird?

                                                                REAGAN

                                Right here. Notice they’re just using the stock assault rifle with no upgrades? That rifle runs out of ammo within a minute or two.

                                                                TIFF

                                Okay, why don’t they just buy the extended mag? They have to have earned enough to afford it by this point.

                                                                REAGAN

                                That’s what I said, and then they’re like:

EXT: Airfield.

                                                                LOVERBOI

                                I prefer to keep things stock, like the developer intended. Also, it gives me time to really get to know the textures on the map, going back and forth through the same area. [delivered as if this is like, genuinely cool]

                                                                REAGAN

                                Oooooookay…

REAGAN cocks her shotgun, fires it.

INT: Station Control.

                                                                REAGAN (CONT’D)

                                So then five minutes later they come back but the conversation just feels… off.

EXT: Airfield

                                                                LOVERBO1

                                Hey there beautiful, not often one finds someone looking so good on the battlefield.

                                                                REAGAN

                                You sure know how to join a fight. I see you got that ammo situation sorted out.

JAYDEN pats his gun.

                                                                LOVERBO1

                                40 rounds of standard-issue 5.66 millimeter. No more, no less. Stock’s the way to go, I always say.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Yeah…

INT: Station Control

                                                                TIFF

                                Um, Reagan, that’s a different person.

                                                                REAGAN

                                WHAT?

                                                                TIFF

                                Here, look. Let me just screenshot this… then go back five minutes…

                                                                REAGAN

                                Same character model, same gun, same armor-

                                                                TIFF

                                Yeah but look at the username.

SFX Rewind sound

                                                                TIFF (CONT’D)

                                Hayden has the username “Loverboi” with an I at the end.

SFX Rewind sound

                                                                TIFF (CONT’D)

                                Fake-Hayden has the username Loverboi but it’s the number one instead of an I.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Ooooooh. Wow what a bad font.

                                                                TIFF

                                Still, you were flirting in the middle of a firefight. I’m impressed.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Heh, thanks. BUT that doesn’t change the fact that I now have TWO dates with Loverboi and Loverbo-one at the cafe at the same time.

TIFF sighs heavily.

                                                                TIFF

                                I started this day as a proud parent and now here we are, how the mighty have fallen. You find yourself in a sticky situation, daughter of mine.

                                                                REAGAN

                                I KNOW.

                                                                TIFF

                                Alright, we can fix this. It’ll just take an incredibly risky plan that could pan out horribly if we screw up.

                                                                REAGAN

                                So, a Tiff plan.

                                                                TIFF

                                Yes but easier than usual. You wear an earpiece, I keep track of who’s who and feed you lines from a remote location.

                                                                REAGAN

                                What if we somehow mix them up and things get super awkward?

                                                                TIFF

                                Take a coffee cup, spike it onto the bulkhead so it shatters, point at the nearest viewport and shout “ASTEROID!”

                                                                REAGAN

                                That’s the stupidest idea I have ever heard.

                                                                TIFF

                                Exactly. You only get to do it once, but it’s so paper-thin nobody would dare question it.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Wait, is that why there was a panic in the E deck employee cafeteria last week?

                                                                TIFF

                                The person making my sandwich just put spinach in there as if that’s something a good human being would do. 

                                                                REAGAN

                                You could’ve just… asked them to take it off?

                                                                TIFF

                                Do I also get to fly in this fantasy world of yours where we’re just giving people super powers?

TRANSITION

EXT: CAFE

SFX: TIFF speaks through an earpiece. Plates clatter and dozens of diners mumble in the background.

                                                                TIFF (CONT’D)

                                This is Papa Wolf, calling Double Agent, come in Double Agent Ganymede.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Are the code names really necessary?

                                                                TIFF

                                Oh, excuse me, are you running this op?

                                                                REAGAN

                                Op?

                                                                TIFF

                                It’s going to take military-like precision to pull this off. I thought the code name would help you keep things straight so you don’t accidentally become best friends with someone who vaguely looks and sounds like me.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Sick burn.

                                                                TIFF

                                Copy that.

                                                                REAGAN

                                It’s almost go time, my first loverboy should be here any second.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                You must be Reagan!

                                                                REAGAN

Surprised.

                                Oh!

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Ope, startled you a bit there, sorry about that. It’s me, Hayden! Or should I say… Loverboi.

                                                                REAGAN

                                That sure is a lot of eyebrow work you’re doing.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Thanks, I practiced.

                                                                REAGAN

                                You look just like your avatar.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                I sure hope so, I spent four hours modelling it.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Doesn’t the game just scan your face?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Well, yeah, but there’s nothing quite like sitting down with a glass of milk and really tucking into a few hours of adjusting sliders and moving vertices. It’s theraputic, in a way.

                                                                TIFF

                                I am already so bored.

                                                                REAGAN

                                How fascinating!

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Would you mind grabbing us a table? I need to visit the restroom.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Right, yeah, like a plan!

                                                                TIFF

                                Sarcasm is unbecoming of a lady.

                                                                REAGAN

                                I want a divorce.

                                                                JAYDEN

                                He-hey! Reagan! It’s me, Loverboi! Or, since we’re in the real world, should I say Jayden?

                                                                REAGAN

                                Heeeeeeey Jayden! Nice eyebrow work.

                                                                TIFF

                                What the…

                                                                REAGAN

                                Wow you look just like your avatar. Did you model that by hand?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Why yes, actually I did!

                                                                REAGAN

                                There’s something so theraputic about spending an afternoon really getting in deep with those sliders, eh?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Exactly! Wow, you’re the first person I’ve met on the station who really gets it.

                                                                TIFF

                                Oh no they’re identical and boring.

                                                                REAGAN

                                I know right?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Yeah!

                                                                TIFF

                                How are they identical and boring? How are they the same thing? I rescind mocking you for screwing this up royally. There’s only one course of action to take here Reagan.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Shall we eat?

                                                                TIFF

With the intensity of a grizzled war veteran.

                                Summon the asteroid, Ganymede.

TRANSITION

                                                                JAYDEN

                                I gotta tell you, this ice water is to die for.

                                                                REAGAN

Weak laugh

                                Would you… excuse me for a second?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Of course!

                                                                TIFF

                                Did you make any badly-phrased wishes lately?

                                                                REAGAN

Angry-sarcastic

                                Oh yeah I was polishing my antique lamp collection yesterday…

                                                                TIFF

                                Listen, I’m not judging, we’ve all made ill-advised judgment calls alone in their bunk on the late shift.

                                                                REAGAN

                                This is not sounding like help, Papa Wolf.

                                                                TIFF

                                Well, at least you’ve shaken Hayden.

                                                                REAGAN

                                No that was Jayden

                                                                TIFF

                                That’s what I said.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Ah crap it’s Hayden.

                                                                TIFF

                                You mean Jayden.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Hey, there you are! Sorry about that, a delightful waiter offered me some iced water and who can refuse a nice crisp refreshment like that?

                                                                REAGAN

                                Oh, don’t worry about it, happens all the time. Hey look, there’s an empty table over there. Why don’t we head that way quickly?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                I do enjoy a brisk walk.

                                                                REAGAN

                                So tell me… how did you come up with the username Loverboy?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Oh, funny story. It was my nickname at the academy. My roommates were always being stuffy and studying all night while I was out having fun and going on dates.

                                                                TIFF

                                Seriously?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Unfortunately, someone else registered the name l-o-v-e-r-b-o-i so I went back to the drawing board, and after a few hours concocted a clever alternative.

                                                                REAGAN

                                You swapped out the i for the number one?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Exactly!

                                                                REAGAN

                                Sucks loverboy with a y was taken already too huh?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                O-…. oh. Never thought to try that one.

                                                                TIFF

                                They are either clones or twins and I have to know. Double Agent Ganymede this is mission-critical information.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Got any… siblings on the station?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Funny you should ask: I do not.

                                                                TIFF

                                Lying!

                                                                REAGAN

                                Off out in the stars somewhere I’m guessing? Some long-lost brother or cousin perhaps?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                How cool would that be? But no, I was an only child. My mom used to talk about a twin brother but we got separated during an emergency evacuation of my parent’s colony ship. I always thought he was a story she made up to teach me to follow safety procedures.

                                                                TIFF

                                OH, I KNEW IT.

REAGAN whispers to Tiff

                                                                REAGAN

                                Tiff this isn’t a movie.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                What?

                                                                REAGAN

                                Oh, uh, nothing. Excuse me for a moment.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Sure thing! I love waiting.

                                                                TIFF

                                Don’t turn around Reagan but that pinnacle of arousal you just left behind is now voluntarily solving math riddles on his datapad.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Ugh

TRANSITION

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Reagan!

                                                                REAGAN

                                Jayden! I just thought of the best ice-breaker question for this date.

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Lay it on me, I love a good question.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Almost as much as waiting eh?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                You know it!

                                                                REAGAN

                                Got any siblings?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Well, kind of. My step-mom always talked about my having a twin brother but we got separated during an emergency evac of our colony ship. I never found out if that was true or if it was just a story…

                                                                REAGAN

                                Made up to teach you not to break safety protocols as a kid?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Exactly! Wow it’s like you read my mind.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Jayden, I have someone I’d like you to meet.

TRANSITION

JAYDEN AND HAYDEN ARE IN THE SAME SCENE BUCKLE UP

                                                                REAGAN (CONT’D)

                                Hayden, this is Jayden

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Hello there.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Hello again Reagan!

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Wait, are you also on a date with this… handsome person?

                                                                REAGAN

                                N-… no. I set this all up as an elaborate ruse to re-unite two lost brothers!

                                                                HAYDEN

                                You found my brother?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                You found my brother?

                                                                REAGAN

                                Yeah… you two.

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Mom always said we were identical twins!

                                                                REAGAN

                                Aaaaaand?

                                                                HAYDEN

                                I guess you could see something of a similarity if you really squinted.

                                                                JAYDEN

                                When’s the last time you went to an optometrist, Reagan?

                                                                REAGAN

                                What? No! You two are basically the same person!

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Preposterous.

                                                                TIFF

                                I sincerely have no clue who’s talking anymore

                                                                REAGAN

                                Neither do I…

                                                                REAGAN (CONT’D)

                                I swear, you two have to be related.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                I see what’s going on here. You were starting to panic because the date was going poorly, so you called in a friend to bail you out.

                                                                JAYDEN

                                I gotta tell ya buddy, things were on ice over here. No offense Reagan but without the video game to serve as distraction I wasn’t feeling much chemistry here.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                I was thinking the same thing!

                                                                REAGAN

                                I. You. I.

                                                                TIFF

                                OH THE ZONE IS TOO HOT, YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF THERE NOW GANYMEDE.

                                                                REAGAN

                                HOLY HELL AN ASTEROID IS COMING RIGHT FOR US!

SFX: A glass shatters.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                What?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Where?

Pause for a beat.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Hmmm, I don’t know about you, new friend, but it seems there aren’t any windows on this particular section of wall.

                                                                JAYDEN

                                I can confirm she did not, in fact, point at a section of wall with a window one could see an asteroid through.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Are you okay, Reagan? Wait. Where did she go?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Well, that nightmare date is over at least.

                                                                HAYDEN

                                Shall we go grab a couple of tall frosty waters, share stories?

                                                                JAYDEN

                                Sounds riveting.

TRANSITION

EXT: AIRFIELD. Uplifting heroic music plays.

                                                                DRILL SGT

                                Good work recruits, top up your ammo and get some upgrades from the quartermaster, the next wave is in five minutes.

SFX: UI bleep as a new player joins.

                                                                DRILL SGT

                                Player Nuts4Butts has joined your squad.

                                                                REAGAN

Sounding out of it

                                Hey Tiff, isn’t it a little early in the morning for you?

                                                                TIFF

                                It’s seven o’clock and I want to rock, Reagan, obvs.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Fair enough.

                                                                TIFF

                                I also have news about the terrible two.

                                                                REAGAN

                                There it is.

                                                                TIFF

                                Hayden and Jayden both mentioned being on colony ships so…

                                                                REAGAN

                                So you abused your position in station control by running background checks on them.

                                                                TIFF

                                Okay, It’s not my fault every ship every person has set foot on is tied to their name.

                                                                REAGAN

                                Yeah but that’s for, like, tracking where a disease first started or notifying relatives if an accident has happened.

                                                                TIFF

                                And now it’s also a tool allowing shockingly smart and attractive amateur detectives named Tiff to track the childhood travels of two strangers. Turns out both Hayden and Jayden have never set foot on a colony ship.

                                                                REAGAN

                                What the hell?

                                                                TIFF

                                Turns out parents lying to their kids to scare ’em is the one true constant in the universe. Sorry Operation Reagan Date was FUBAR.

                                                                REAGAN

                                It’s alright.

                                                                PLAYER

                                Aye bozo either get some ammo outta the crate or get out of the way, some of us have a war to fight.

                                                                TIFF

                                Oh kiss my heavily-armored ass, what’s that, a shotgun? Four kills? Where did the other sixteen rounds you had go? Who misses sixteen times with a shotgun?

Pause

                                                                TIFF (CONT’D)

                                What’s what I thought.

                                                                REAGAN

                                And you say I go hard.

                                                                TIFF

                                You know what? Screw that guy and screw the not-twins, I’m not going to let this setback get you down. Let’s get you back into that dating game in a big way. It’s YOUR time to shine!

                                                                REAGAN

                                Nah I’m good.

                                                                TIFF

                                But, you’re a powerful woman who deserves to have fun and go out on dates!

                                                                REAGAN

                                Yeah. Already did.

                                                                TIFF

                                Oh. And?

                                                                REAGAN

                                Just got back, haven’t been to bed yet.

TIFF gasps like a proud parent. She sounds on the verge of tears.

                                                                TIFF

                                My adopted daughter’s growing up so fast.

SFX: Shotgun cock.

                                                                TIFF (CONT’D)

                                Let’s go kill those bug bastards.

CREDITS MUSIC: Kentucky Blues

Your players were:

Julia Schifini as Tiff
Stephanie Arata as Reagan
Chad Ellis as Hayden
Chad Ellis as Jayden
C.J. Oliver as Drill Sgt.
Gavin Gaddis as Everyone else

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